Thursday, February 25, 2016


This unit has received a request for a BBQ sauce recipe. In advance of other such requests, I am posting the entire recipe here. This is... MARSICAN SAUCE. Cos it's Red like the Red Planet, and has a shitload of mexican spices in it.

THERE WILL BE NO PICTURES. Pictures are unnecessary and only for you to gaggle and drool. DROOLING IS FORBIDDEN. Until you start making this DELICIOUS SHIT.

HERE ARE YOUR INGREDIENTS (Listed in Freedom Units, because I didn't grow up w/ metric)

  • 1 phat can (28oz) of tomato puree/crushed tomatoes.
  • 1/2 cup BLACK STRAP molasses (or more)
  • 3/4 cup beyonce (brown sugar)
  • 1/4 cup butter (1 stick, if in the United States of Trump)
  • 1/2 cup apple cider vinegar (or white wine vinegar, but the apple cider is best. If you use a really raw apple cider, use a little less, maybe 1/3 cup)
  • 1 large onion, diced (red or yellow -- I use yellow. Red will give it a slightly more acidic bite, which I get elsewhere. Yellow helps make this a sweeter sauce)
  • 1/4 cup garlic, diced (or more)
  • 1 tsp worshteshire sauce
  • 1 can chipotles in adobo sauce (usually 1 cup. If you don't have a blender of some sort, mince these before throwing in)
  • 1/3 cup dijon mustard
  • 2 bay leaves
  • 1/4 cup regular style ketchup (if on hand, otherwise don't sweat)
  • A healthy amount (1/2 cup) of MARTIAN DUST (see below)
  • Salt & pepper for onions+garlic+any peppers you decide to obliterate yourself with (add with onions)

Okay. Here's the directions. First, if you want (AND YOU WANT) prepare the MARTIAN DUST, as instructed below. If you are impoverished or otherwise missing ingredients, you will at least want a 1/2 cup of smoked paprika and some cayenne pepper. 

TOOLS: a pot. Anything non-reactive, NO TEFLON. I don't trust you guys with that stuff. It's dangerous. Also, a wooden spoon or other wooden implement. (not dong) Also a blender. I have a Kitchenaid hand blender, and I love it more than my left foot. (f u lefty) You already used the knives.

  1. Saute onions in butter until soft, dusting with salt and pepper as desired. If using any additional hot peppers, like jalapenos or dried peppers, add these now. 
  2. Add garlic, stirring to incorporate
  3. Add brown sugar, stirring until it all turns into a delicious brown caramel goo.
  4. Stir in some (1/4 cup) MARTIAN DUST or smoked paprika. Stir, then add cider vinegar
  5. Add remaining ingredients and simmer until thickened, about 45 minutes. I find that this recipe burps A LOT, so you may want to turn on a show and stand nearby, stirring consistently but lazily.
  6. Once thickened, remove bay leaves and blend, preferably with a hand blender (I like it chunky) Let sit for at least an hour before serving, preferably overnight.
  7. CONGRATS! You have made BBQ sauce. Prepare for everyone you know to be really jealous. 
Okay fine, a photo. Here's what it should look like at the end of the day :)


Grab a container. Whatever you're gonna fill with this spice mix. You should probably make it reasonably big, because if you like spicy food, you will want to put this mix on pretty much everything you ever make. I like to use old peanut butter jars and old spice mix containers. Don't throw glass away!

These amounts are just examples, and will make a TON of this spice. You probably want to do half this, but that would have made the fractions intolerable for me. Sorry! Scale up and down, all that matters is ratios. Think "parts" in your head if that's easier.

  • 1 cup smoked paprika
  • 1 cup ancho chile
  • 1/2 cup cayenne pepper
  • 1/2 cup cumin
  • 1 tablespoon oregano
  • 1/2 tablespoon sea salt (you get plenty of salt from other things, but it's good to have some in here)
  • 2 tablespoons cracked pepper -- I use a five-pepper mix from a store nearby, but any peppercorns will do. Make it unique! Make it your own! Just don't use cheap pre-ground pepper)
  • 1-3 teaspoons ground cloves
  • 1/2 cup garlic powder (optional -- I use enough garlic in everything that you don't need it. If you don't always use fresh garlic though, definitely throw this in)
Put this all together, make sure there's a little room left in the top of whatever container you're using, SEAL THE CONTAINER, and SHAKE! That's it, you've just made what is probably your first Real Spice Mix!(tm) Sniff it, and if it makes you wince and look away, it's good. 

Feel free to play with all of this -- the key base ingredients are the smoked paprika, chile powder and cumin. Another optional ingredient here would be coriander, between 1/2-1 cup. I didn't use that for mine, but you certainly could.

Enjoy cooking! I have a lot more of these, so if people want recipes, I can supply ;)